Parenting 101: Ways to Effectively Deal with Kids Having Sex

By Last Updated: January 16th, 2023Categories: Communication

“I caught my kid having sex with his friend. It shocked me beyond belief, because I’ve always made sure that he’s taught and disciplined well. I don’t know what to do. He’s only 7 years old. Help me!” – Concerned Mother, 39

It’s common knowledge that children, before puberty or the adolescent stage, are not sexual beings. Their bodies and mental capacity are still not developed to behave in such a manner. Therefore, seeing little kids having sex at such an early age is not normal and is a big red flag that you must not ignore.

And even if they’re already past their childhood and are already developing certain sexual characteristics and behaviors, it’s not appropriate for underage kids to have sex. And besides sex, there are other sexual behaviors that may not sit right.

So, as a parent, it falls on your shoulders how to deal with the problem of kids having sex. You have to guide them so such an issue won’t recur as they grow older. However, not all parents know how to do it properly. If you also have no idea where to start, this article is definitely for you.

Part 1: Sexual Behavior Red Flags Your Kids May Exhibit

Before you start dealing with your kids, it’s also important that you know the warning signs that indicate their sexual behaviors are out of line. Besides having sex, this list includes other abnormal behavior that can really tell you that your kid needs help ASAP.

Forcing peers to have sex

This is not normal for kids, and even if they’re adults, being coercive toward others is a big NO. This can be in a form of forcing their peers to undress or being violent when rejected. If another parent or you yourself saw this kind of behavior, act right away! The last thing you’d want is for your child to become a potential sexual predator or rapist in the future.

Children Playing

Walking around naked

You’ve taught them how to dress and cover their private parts, especially when there are people around. Well, this may be normal for very young kids, but for those who are in their puberty, like 10- year-old kids and above, it’s a cause for concern. You have to act right away and curb such behavior before it turns into a serious matter like exhibitionism.

Obsession with their or others’ private parts

It’s okay for kids to be curious about their private parts when growing up, but being too overly focused on them is a red flag. You can see this when your kids always touch their genitals, even stimulate them. Another instance is when they want to see their friends or siblings naked or attempt to undress them.

Not stopped by any distractions

If you catch your child doing sexual activities (e.g., masturbating, having sex, or watching porn) and they won’t stop, even though they know you’re there, that’s a problem. When caught, they should feel a bit of shame and stop what they’re doing immediately.

Kid Using Gadgets

Showing inappropriate sexual knowledge

If you haven’t blocked porn and other inappropriate sites or set parental control measures on their computers, phones, TVs, etc., chances are they’re going to encounter mature sexual content and behaviors. And more often, you’d see them imitate those things, without any idea that they’re not acceptable for kids.

These are the major red flags you should look out for. If things get out of control, it’s recommended that you seek professional help from a trusted pediatrician or any mental health professional that specializes in kids having sex.

Part 2: Things You Can Do Deal with Kids Having Sex Problems

Below are the things you can do if you caught your kids having sex or exhibiting inappropariate sexual behavior. These tips can be a good way to start protecting your children from themselves.

Tip 1: Discuss The Matter with your Wife/Husband

If you have a husband or a wife, the first thing you should do is discuss the issue with them. You shouldn’t act on your own, that way the two of you can work together toward ensuring that your kids’ inappropriate sexual behavior are dealt with properly.

This is important because if you say one thing to your kid and your partner says another, it would create confusion that will make the issue worse. Talk about the rules you want your kids to follow and how it should be done.

Husband Wife Talking

Tip 2: Tell Them What You and The Family Think about Sex

Once you’ve already made an agreement with your husband/wife, it’s time that you talk heart-to-heart with your kid. Tell them about your personal or family values that must be upheld when it comes to sexual behavior. Be open about what you believe and what you expect of your kids.

What you say to your kids depends on your family values. However, you should be clear on when they are allowed to act in such a way, like what’s the right age for sex and where. It’s important that they get how you personally feel about sex so they can reflect on their actions. You are a parent and a role model for them.

Moreover, make sure that your approach is not antagonistic. Avoid raising your voice or using words that could hurt your child’s feelings. As much as possible, explain it according to their level of understanding.

Tip 3: Educate Them about Sex and The Risks that Come with It

Sex education is very important nowadays, and it should be introduced to kids who are ready to understand the complexities of such a concept.

Tell your child that they can only have sex with someone when they’re old enough, at least 18 or 16, depending on the laws in your country. And emphasize that they should ask consent or give consent before it happens. Otherwise, they might get into trouble involving the police.

You must also highlight the consequences of inappropriate sex. Tell them that it could cause child pregnancies or even precocious, which can affect their physical growth. You may also educate them about STI/STDs and guide them regarding safe sex. Another thing that you should talk about is masturbation. Inform your kdi that it’s normal and should be done moderately and privately to avoid disturbing other people.

Educating Kids

Most importantly, be open to questioning. Avoid shutting your kids down if they have important queries regarding sex. However, if you don’t know the answer, be honest with them. There is no shame in that. Just give them reassurance that you will get back to them once you find the right answer. Pretending to be an expert can do more harm than good to you and your kids. You may ask for help from experts if you need to.

And as you discuss these matters or other similar topics, it’s important that you use the names of body parts correctly. That way, they can undersant sex more accurately.

Tip 4: Set Up Rules and Punishments against Inappropriate Sexual Behavior

When you’re done with the previous three tips, the next thing you should do is to set up certain rules and appropriate punishments to prevent kids from showing unacceptable sexual behavior.

Given that you can’t be around your kids all the time, you can try setting a rule that will prohibit them to show any inappropriate sexual activites in public or when other people are around. And pair it with a punishment when they’re caught in the act.

  • For kids before puberty, you may disallow them from watching their favorite tv shows or playing with their toys. You may also ground them.
  • For kids in puberty or adolescence, you may try cutting their allowance and disallowing them from using gadgets or meeting their friends.

These are just examples, you can think of more punishments that perfectly fit your family values. Just make sure that the purpose of your punishment is to discipline your kids, not hurt them.

Tip 5: Introduce Alternative Activities

Kids possess energy levels that could rival the biggest power plants. Yes! They are very enthusiastic and always want to do something in their free time. So, if you think the reason why they’ve ventured into inappropriate curiosities is because of a lack of productive activities, introduce them to one or two.

Father Son Basketball

You can enroll them in a karate class where they can learn self-defense. And if they don’t know how to swim, having them take swimming classes can help them develop an important survival skill. Ask them what they want to do during their free time. Be it sports, music, art, etc., show your kids that you support them.

Tip 6: Identify People Who Are a Bad Influence on Your Kids

Sometimes, no matter how spotless your parenting strategies and styles are, there are external forces that can negatively influence your kid’s behavior.

You may ask your kids where they learned about sex if you did not educate them yourself. Ask them, too, whether their friends or someone in the family is talking about it with them. This could help you unlock the root cause of your kids’ bad sexual behavior and identify who you should confront when necessary.

Sexual abuse by friends or other family members may also be uncovered if you investigate further. This could be the case if your kids were really innocent about sex and they’re suddenly trying to imitate mature sexual gestures. Report to authorities once the culprit is identified.

Tip 7: Set Up Parental Control Measures on Your Kid’s Devices

If you allow your kids to use the internet on their phones and computers, you better use parental control apps. This way, you can protect them from pornography and other content that may trigger their curiosity about sex.

You see, kids are very absorbent like a sponge. More often than not, they’d think that what they see on the screen is normal and should be followed.

KIds Using Phones

Tip 8: See a Pediatrician or A Mental Health Expert for Kids

In case where you child’s sexual activities have gotten out of hand, you need to seek professional help as soon as possible. You can only do so much as a parent. There are things that you don’t know about handling kids who have sex. So, if you ever doubt yourself, call for help. The most important thing is that your child is assessed properly and appropriate remedies and interventions are considered.

Final Thoughts

It’s not normal for kids to be sexual, let alone have sex with their peers. There are a lot of things to be considered why it’s unacceptable. You have to take into account culture, family values, age, readiness, and most importantly is if they understand what they are doing. You may also have to reassess your parenting and make some adjustments.

If you are struggling with the same issue with your kids, just check out the suggestions above, They can surely help you deal with the problem of kids having sex, properly.

FAQs

No. Hitting your kids is even considered a crime in most countries today. Besides the fact that it’s violent, children have a hard time finding the connection between hitting them and their bad behavior, which causes confusion.

Biologically, a person’s body parts start to change and develop to prepare for sexual activities during the puberty stage around 9 to 15 years old. But that doesn’t mean that emotional readiness and mental capacity to engage in sexual intercourse are not yet developed. According to recent studies, the ideal age for sex is 20 and above. However, legally speaking, it depends on whether the person is of legal age, like 18 years old and above.